8 Ways to Cope with Your Mum Like most big projects, learning to manage your mother is bes

8 Ways to Cope with Your Mum

Like most big projects, learning to manage your mother is best tacked in smaller stages. Here are what I believe the eight best steps towards a better relationship with her. They are not necessarily surprising or revolutionary, but they have worked for many people. Try them.

Remember Your Mother's Age

As children, we often do not think of our mother as having an age. Even when we become conscious of her as an individual, age does not alter our view; she is still, primarily, our mother. Becoming aware of our mother's age, not just in number of years but in terms of her psychological and physical state, often helps us to understand her better.

Even if our mother is relatively young--perhaps only in their thirties--she grew up a generation earlier than we. She has probably lived her formative years (性格形成期) in a social environment in which attitudes towards matters such as divorce, abortion, higher education, unemployment and working mothers were different from those we have experienced. Her values may seem dated, but all the influences she had from her parents and peers have had an impact on the way she evolved as a person. It is unreasonable to expect her to change totally from the way she was brought up.

Listen to Your Mother

As we grow up, what our mother has told us often sounds not sophisticated enough for theworld we live in today. Yet I have found that sometimes the things my mother told me long ago are remarkably useful. So if your mother is still offering maxims (哲理) for your life, try to resist the temptation to reject them automatically.

Of course, she will sometimes tell you things with which you disagree, but if you can listen with an open mind you will encourage her to open up to you more fully. If your mother knows that you respect her point of view, even if you do not share it, it will help her feel close to you.

Remember That Your Mother Has a Past

A key step in managing our relationship with our mother is to find out about her early life.

Sometimes, in learning about our mother's past, we can construct her story by piecing together what we learn about her upbringing (成长)and her memories, and then, into this vision, placing our own observations of her. This encourages us to think about her life as her experience rather than as a mere recounting of events.

Ask Your Mother Simply and Directly How You Can Make Her Life Better

When I was 15 my mother was dying of cancer. I was aware that she was ill, but not know how seriously. That year I was determined to give her the best possible time for her birthday. I bought her a beautiful red dress and announced that I was going to take her out on the town, drive her up and down to see the sights and then to go see a film. But the driving made her feel sick, and finally she said, "Honey, I don't think I want to go to the movies after all. But I've had just the best time coming out with you." It was her last birthday. She died the following year.

This memory is painful for me, because in trying to Do the right thing, I got wrong: I did not ask her what she wanted, but just did what I thought was best. I was young, but even when were adults many of us remain trapped in childlike (and self-centered) conception of what our mother wants.

Ask Your Mother About Your Childhood History

Understanding your roots can help you know more clearly who you are, as part of a family which you share with your mother.

My husband and I made a "roots" journey to Arizona so that he could meet my 96-year-old Aunt Flossie before she died. Talking to her, we puzzled over why six children in the family had produced only two grandchildren--a question I had never before thought to ask. She said, "Oh, that's easy--my father (who was bo

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