The Truth About Teens: It Gets Easier...and Then They Leave!The StruggleFor mothers of tee

The Truth About Teens: It Gets Easier...and Then They Leave!

The Struggle

For mothers of teens, letting go is the basic challenge of this phase of our lives. And only the superhuman can pull it off without experiencing feelings of loss, resentment, anger and exhaustion. On the other hand, if this process of change and separation produces a well-deserved feeling of pride and accomplishment, not to mention the pleasure of sharing life with an almost-full-fledged adult, then the teen years can be golden ones.

In fact, you may find that behavior. that one day drives you screaming from the house can actually prove exciting, even charming, the next. For example, as your teenager's brainpower develops, so does her ability to formulate more mature opinions. She may still assume you're "totally wrong" before you've opened your mouth, but the argument that follows has the potential to be far more interesting than discussions were a year or two ago.

Unfortunately, certain aspects of your teen's growing brain may lead him to do some incredibly lame-brained things. Adolescents are risk takers, a tendency that neurologists(神经学家) are beginning to explain by actually looking at the physiology(生理学) of those areas of the brain that are associated with decision making. Once a child enters adolescence, his risk of dying rises by 300 percent. The vast majority of teens(78 percent) try alcohol in high school, with some 5 million admitting to binge drinking(狂饮) at least once a month. One out of every five kids has sexual intercourse before turning 15—and far more are engaging in other sex play they think "doesn't count".

Reading these statistics—or, worse, recognizing that your kid is in pain or in trouble, as many are during adolescence—can make this phase of motherhood feel less like the toddler(初学走路的人) years and more like infancy(幼年). Back then you were probably advised to "read your baby's signals" when your newborn cried. Likewise, your attempts to read your teen's behavior. now inevitably run headlong into a wail of self-doubt and insecurity. When my 18-year-old daughter, Maddie, was a fragile, helpless newborn, exquisitely ill equipped to tell me what she needed, how could I know for sure that I had done the right thing？ When she was a young teenager, increasingly independent, vulnerable and unwilling to tell me what she needed, how could I know for sure that I had done the right thing？ Panic attacks, which I associated with my first months as a mother, were part of my experience of Maddie's and her brother Nick's adolescence.

The bottom line is that our teens probably will try drugs, get drunk, and have sex before they're in college(we hope not all on the same night). The most we can do is try to arm them with enough self-esteem and good sense to make only a few stupid decisions—none of them life threatening—and to have the courage to learn from their mistakes. In fact, we really shouldn't hope to raise Prince Perfect or Miss Goody Two-shoes. Why？ Because there's compelling evidence that teens who never break the roles, who refuse every beer and cigarette and come-on, don't live so well when they're out on their own. According to researchers at Boise State University in Idaho who studied the drinking behavior. of 266 incoming freshmen, the model students were less likely than veterans of the party scene to know how to handle their liquor or how to pace themselves. Also, they were less likely to have had a discussion about binge drinking with their parents. After all, why would you have to tell an A student that drinking successive shots of vodka can kill you？

You have to talk to your kids for the simple reason that all teenagers say they have good judgment when they don't. All teenagers engage in risky behaviors, because they believe they're invulnerable. And all teenagers lie to their parents, even when it's patently obvious that they're guilty. The

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